Whoa, it’s been HOW long since I wrote a blog?
You know, this whole coaching thing of mine actually got started by me blindly starting a blog all the way back in 2015. I started blogging as a means to share my journey, which was really just one big hot mess of a struggle. I think… no, scratch that, I KNOW that I started blogging to fulfill this deep need inside of me to be loved & appreciated.
Because I wasn't giving it to myself. I had no self worth. We all NEED to be loved, connected, and safe, but if we're meeting those needs in a negative way like I was, it will NEVER be enough.
I hated everything about myself. Even though I was dangerously thin, I thought I was ginormous. I can’t even tell you how much the thought of that makes me cringe. Thinking about it makes me want to jump through a wormhole back in time and slap the shit out of myself until I snapped out of it. (Not literally, self-violence is a tragedy, yo. Don’t do it, k? Cool. Moving on...)
But here’s the thing. I Never. Would. Have. Listened. You know why? Because I was already beating the crap out of myself EVERY DAY with exercise abuse, constant internal criticism, and numbing myself out with alcohol & men who treated me poorly. I thought love was supposed to hurt & be a constant battle, so that's what I got. There’s no way anything else could have broken me, because I was doing it to myself.
So starting this little blog was really just a desperate plea for help. I was crying out for love, but at the same time, I wouldn’t accept it from anyone. Not even my parents. I am so grateful for them every single day, because I really put them through hell. I wasn’t addicted to drugs, but I was addicted to exercise, food deprivation, and hating myself. There really isn’t much difference on a conscious level. Both addictions virtually erase the true soul of a person and replace it with fear, anxiety, anger, sadness, & self-hate, which get reflected back onto their external reality. That means that the people closest to them get the worst of it. It puts you into survival mode, and the mind will get extremely defensive & things can get pretty ugly.
Truthfully, if I could REALLY go back in time, I would sit down with that version of myself and talk with her until she knew how loved she really was.... Until she knew she didn’t have to DO anything to receive love & connection. The only person she needed that love from was me, my REAL self. She needed me to show up for her. But I wasn’t there. I was buried deep within my innermost consciousness, because anywhere else was not safe.
Truthfully, you can’t ever REALLY lose your true self. You’re YOU for your entire life, forever & ever until the day our bodies die, and even then your real self (your spirit) lives on. But here’s the really beautiful thing about that…. Are you ready for it?
You’re not who you think you are.
That’s right. You’re NOT who you think you are. Our true self (or highest self, spirit, inner guide, soul, our connection to Divine Love, etc.) knows our truth, but we quickly and easily can lose sight of that when things begin to happen to us in life. Our spirit knows the truth, but our minds get fogged up with traumatic experiences. Those experiences make our MINDS go into survival mode to protect us. It then creates these “stories” (false truths) about how life works, and about who we are, and about what we believe, and about politics, and about all other sorts of shit that doesn’t even REALLY matter!
But our minds don’t know that. We easily (and quickly) can become consumed by these stories, and they become our identity. We identify ourselves by every single thought and emotion that we think. And therein lies the problem.
Every time I work with a new client, we spend A LOT of time working on identifying old stories & beliefs that have been ruling her life. These beliefs have hijaked her human experience & are keeping her from experiencing true happiness. Once you are able to separate yourself from them and observe them for what they are, you can ask yourself if those thoughts and emotions are really actually the truth. 99.999% of the time, they’re a bunch of bull shit.
But wait, it gets better.
Thoughts can be changed. When you change your thoughts, you change your life. Everything in your external world is a reflection of your internal world – meaning what you believe to be true will become true at some point in the future. Think about that.
Sometimes those deep rooted beliefs are so ingrained is us that we don’t even know they’re there. They've become so routine that our brain just tunes them out and filters them into background noise. In fact, I just uprooted one of these deep rooted beliefs last night! You wanna know what it was? I’ll tell ya.
I have always had a fear, ever since I was a teeny tiny toddler, that I was going to be left alone. I deeply, DEEPLY feared that my parents would lose me, or that they would forget to come get me after school, or that I would somehow be separated from them forever. It was such a deep fear that I would cry when they dropped me off at pre-school or dance classes. My mom had to stay in the studio while I took dance classes, and if I couldn’t see her head or curly hair popping up into the view of one of the three tiny windows looking in, I freaked the FFFF out.
It wasn't just when I was little, either. I'm not afraid to admit it. I cried when they left me at Penn State for the first time. I felt that deep fear rise up into my chest as I sat on the cold linoleum by the elevators of 4th floor McKean Hall with the other students as we listened to our RA tell us the "rules." I was holding back tears the entire time. I cried when I (temporarily) moved to Fort Lauderdale and they drove back to Naples to then fly home to Pittsburgh. There are plenty more of these experiences, but I'll spare you ;-)
These fears come from our childhood. So, at one point, when I was REALLY little, there must have been an incident where I felt abandoned for a split second, and that created absolute terror within my 2-year-old mind. I didn’t want to ever feel that again. So to protect me, my brain created this story of needing to be dependent on my parents to survive. If I was not somehow dependent on my parents, I would lose them, & I would be left alone forever.
Listen to how CRAZY that is!!! I’m 30 years old!! This story has been with me for 28 or 29 years! It's absolutely absurd, it doesn't even make any sense. I am deeply connected to my parents and my immediate family. My mom is my best friend in the UNIVERSE, and my dad is my ROCK. There is no WAY that ANYTHING could EVER separate us! But I still had that belief that if I were to become completely self-sufficient, without any of their help or support, I would lose them & their love forever.
**What a psycho, amirite???**
When I said it out loud, I laughed! It is ridiculously irrational and unbelievable untrue. So I blew that belief up and created a new one. My new belief & story around is now:
Nothing can, or will, ever separate me from my family, and I can never lose their love. It is eternal, and I will always be connected to them. It is safe to be 100% independent & to be wildly successful without their help. When my parents do help me, it’s because they love me & they want to do something nice for me, NOT because I need their security.
Powerful stuff, eh?
The more you work with this and identify false beliefs you have, the more you'll begin to feel that connection to your higher self - your intuition. It will feel like you're finally waking up. You’ll feel a deep connection to your body begin to develop, and your highest self will speak to you through that connection. Everything starts becoming more and more clear.
You begin to trust yourself more and more. You elevate. You grow. You expand. You receive. And repeat.
It is so amazing what the power of this work will do for you, your body, your health, and your ENTIRE life. You can (and will) COMPLETELY change everything about your life if that's what's in alignment with your Truth. But it IS work! If you don't do the work and go through the piles of garbage in your subconscious mind, you won't ever truly transform into who you want to be.
If you don’t know where to start, that’s okay! I didn’t know where to start either, but I did know that something had to change. And that's where the transformation begins. Decide. Choose. Declare what you want to change, & just begin doing things differently. Ask for help! Pray. Meditate. Go within. You'll find all the answers there.
You have SO MUCH love and support surrounding you at all times. You are so unbelievably powerful, if you could just see an OUNCE of what I see, you would believe me. I’m here to help you and guide you through every step of your transformation.
So the only question is…..
Are you ready to step into your best life?
It’s a simple question, but carries a great deal of responsibility. Trust me, you can handle it. If that answer is yes, schedule a free coaching call with me today. We’ll talk through what you’re going through and figure out how to transform and transcend your mindset, your body, your health, and ultimately your reality.
You’ve TOTALLY got this!
Schedule a coaching call with me here.
I'll talk to you there!